What is Discernment?
The word discernment comes from two Latin words: ‘dis’ (apart) and ‘cenere’ (to separate). To discern means ‘to separate apart’. Any time we choose between two or more options, we discern. If both options are attractive, the best choice might not be obvious. Vocational discernment is an action of self-discovery, and an action of discovery of God. Discerning your vocation is not primarily about choosing something you will do for life but about discovering who God made you to be, discovering your deepest identity. It is more than an intellectual weighing up of options, or applying a technique to find an answer. The question of our vocation is not a problem to solve, but an adventure into who God made us to be and how we can best glorify God in this life. Discernment is a process of becoming aware of what’s in our hearts and minds, listening to God, gaining clarity and taking the next best step toward the call. It involves asking the question: “What is it that God desires me to do with this life He has given me?” The answer to that question always involves not only ourselves, but also takes into consideration the needs of the Church and of the World. Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI once said: “Where our personal passions intersect with the needs of the Church and of the World, there we find our vocation.” One of the primary aspects of discernment is to first simply ask God for the grace to be called.
Discerning my Vocation: How do I make a gift of self?
A vocation is all about love. And Love is all about making a gift of oneself. Jesus said: “Amen, amen, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains just a grain of wheat; but if it dies, it produces much fruit. Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will preserve it for eternal life.” (John 12: 24-25) In these words, we see the essence of vocational discernment because we see that the way to understand God’s call is through the Christian lens of a true understanding of love. When we give of ourselves, we come to know who we are, and we come to the greatest joy and happiness we can have in this world. And we come to know I what way we can glorify God the most in this world. It is through giving that we receive.
And every vocation, the way of living a life of being a gift to others, is lived in a concrete, particular form, because love is always concrete and particular. A vocation begins with God’s love for us. In His love for us, God calls us to a particular form of life. We call this particular form of life a “state of life in the Church”. There are basically four states of life in the Church: Marriage, Consecrated Life, Priesthood, and the Single State. Each of them are authentically lived when the individual makes a gift of self in response to an invitation from God to live a self-sacrificial love.
In the Gospel according to St. John, Jesus said: “You did not choose me, but I chose you” (John 15:16). His choice for us is what makes a vocation different from an “occupation” or a “career”. We can choose an occupation or a career for ourselves, but a vocation (from the Latin verb vocare, “to call”) is HIS choice for us and which He invites us to accept, embrace and undertake for love of Him. His choice for us will never be contrary to our true happiness.
Often, we are taught to ask, “What do I want to be when I grow up?” or “What life will I choose?” The better way to think is, “What does God desire for me?”, “What life will bring God the greatest glory?” and ultimately to say, “I want what God wants because I know that what He wants is going to give His the greatest glory and give me the greatest joy.”
It is vital that we find our vocation because it is from God and is intended to bring us the fulfillment and joy that He wants for us. Our happiness, and ultimately our salvation can depend on our acceptance of the mission that Jesus has chosen for us. Moreover, other people’s salvation will depend on us giving our full “Yes” to Jesus in our vocation.
Discernment: Basic Steps
Step 1: Have the right understanding of happiness
You are here on this site because you are looking for happiness. But what is happiness? And more importantly, what will make me happy? Read more here...
Is it getting what I want? Getting all As? Winning a particular video game? Being with the "right" person? Becoming important or famous or powerful? These are the kinds of things the world tells us will make us happy, but we know by watching the despair and out of control lives of certain rock stars, politicians, business executives and celebrities that none of these things bring true and lasting happiness.
Ask yourself, "What will make me happy?" If we really think about it, we don't really know what will make us happy. Our vision is clouded, even damaged, by original sin. Even still, we know that we are looking for something, that things aren’t quite right and that we were created for “something more”. God has planted this unquenchable desire for happiness in our hearts, because He wants us to search in this life and to keep striving for that something more. The “something more” that drives us on is the desire to become one with Him ultimately in Heaven.
Curiously, we don't really find Our Lord Jesus talking much about "happiness" in the Gospels. He does tell us, however, that His followers will be blessed, that He promises them everlasting life, to be counted as His friends, and to become children of our Heavenly Father. He also speaks of the joy and peace His followers will have.
Our Lord directs our attention especially to doing the will of His Father. He was wholly intent on doing the Father's will. This fundamental attitude of Our Lord reveals to us something about true happiness: Doing the will of the Father is what brings true happiness. Thus, if I want to discern God's will for my life, I must first surrender my idea of what will make me happy, and become focused on doing the Father's will.
- Give up my idea of what will make me happy.
- Seek to do the Father’s will
Step 2: Know that He has created you for a specific mission in this world
The Lord has loved you into being, and since the moment of your conception He has had a plan for your life. He has created you totally unique. Read more here...
There is no one else in the world quite like you, and he wanted you to be here in this world. You are not an add-on, an extra, an afterthought, or luggage in this world. You are essential, indispensable and important. Jesus Christ has created you and you alone for some specific mission, and wants to reveal it to you.
Jesus loves you so much that He invites you to help him save the world. Of course He alone is the Savior, but He opens up His life to us that we too may share in His mission of salvation. He is calling you. He is calling you to help him in his salvation of the world. This is what we mean by vocation. So the first step in discerning your vocation is to understand that God has created you out of love and in His love invites you to share in his work of saving the world.
Go ahead and “click” to the profound words about this step from the Venerable John Henry Cardinal Newman.
Step 3: Accept His love and His choice for you
The third step in discerning the vocation is to open yourself to the Lord’s love. He told His apostles and now He is saying to you: “It was not you who chose me, but I who chose you.” Read more here...
In order to hear His call we have to receive his love. He asks you to accept His love in spite your past mistakes, your weaknesses, your ignorance, your confusion…in spite of everything. He wants to overflow you heart with His love. Your task is to be open to receive. Without God’s grace nothing good happens in this world, and so we need to receive His grace. His grace enables us to respond say “Yes” to his call.
Let Him free you so that you can say “Yes” to His choice for your life. His choice for you is far better than any choice you can come up with yourself. After all, He made you. He knows you better than you know yourself. He wants to make you happy and fulfilled, and knows that only by doing His will can we be free, happy, fulfilled and at peace. As the great poet Dante wrote, “In his will is our peace.” This is often the step that is most challenging to even the faithful Christian. To say “Yes” to God without conditions is to put our lives radically at His disposal. When we say, “Not my will but your will be done,” we are handing over to Him our plans, our ideas, our goals, our very selves. This can be frightening, but it is only in His Will that we will find peace in this life and in the world to come.
His Presence in the Most Blessed Sacrament is a primary way in which we encounter and accept His love and then give ourselves in return. In every Mass, He invites us to unite ourselves to Him in His Sacrifice on Calvary. In the Liturgy of the Word, He cuts us upon with His Word from Holy Scripture which is “sharper than any two edged sword”, so that He can pour is very self into us. In the Liturgy of the Eucharist we see the Word become Flesh before our very eyes, and then receive Him into our flesh in Holy Communion. In every Mass, we join our Blessed Lord in His act of sacrificing Himself for the salvation of the world, and receive from the altar His very Body and Blood. The Mass is the primary place where this giving and acceptance of His love happens. To find your vocation, going to Mass faithfully and often is extremely important.
Step 4: Make yourself available to listen to the Lord
If a vocation is a “calling” from God, then we must attune ourselves to His Voice so that we can hear His call. Read more here...
Prayer is how we primarily listen to the Lord’s Voice. Oftentimes we know we should pray, but don’t know how or how to even get started. Please “click” on the link to the page which will show you how to start a regular prayer life. If you don’t know how to pray, don’t worry. The Lord longs to be with you in prayer and will help you. He has already helped us through His Church by showing us the primary ingredients to a life of prayer. The first is liturgical prayer. Liturgical prayer is the public prayer of the Church, the greatest expression of which is Holy Mass. All of the Sacraments, like Confession, are liturgical prayer. Other examples of liturgical prayer are the Liturgy of the Hours, sometimes called the “Divine Office” and Eucharistic Adoration. We also need to develop habits of personal prayer, especially meditation (e.g. lectio divina). Prayer which honors Our Blessed Lady is indispensable for finding your vocation. The Church and the saints for centuries have strongly recommended the prayer of the Rosary.
Attuning ourselves to the Voice of the Lord also means becoming aware of the obstacles to hearing His Voice. Sin and noise are the two major obstacles which get in the way of hearing His Voice.
Sin is perhaps the most obvious obstacle because sin means turning away from Him. Thus sin can never be seen as just the breaking of rules. Sin harms and can even destroy our relationship with the God who created us, hung on the Cross for us, and who is calling us to our mission. In discernment, sin is like mud that gets in our spiritual eyes and ears making us blind and deaf to the Lord.
To answer God’s call in life we must be free, and being free to say “Yes” entails being freed from our sins. We are not born free nor can we become free on our own. Only Jesus can free us. Freedom from sins is accomplished primarily through the Sacrament of Confession. You will never know your vocation and be able to respond generously and freely to God without receiving the Sacrament of Confession regularly. It is strongly recommended that during discernment you should go to confession at least every two weeks and never less often than once a month. Not only does this great Sacrament forgive sin but it also pours sanctifying grace into your soul. This sanctifying grace is Jesus’ own divine life. Being saturated with sanctifying grace will go a long way in discovering your vocation.
A very good exercise during discernment is a General Confession. Making a General Confession can greatly aid the acceptance of forgiveness and allowing Jesus to help us put the past to rest. This practice is especially recommended by one of the Church’s greatest spiritual directors, St. Francis de Sales, and is entirely distinct from “general absolution”. A General Confession is a spiritual exercise in which one goes through his entire life and confesses every sin he can remember. The purpose is not to re-forgive those sins or beat oneself up about them. (Once a sin is forgiven it is always forgiven.) Rather the exercise helps one to let go of the past and to trust Jesus even more deeply. It usually takes about an hour and so it is advisable to set up an appointment with one’s confessor in advance.
After we have allowed Him to free us from mortal or serious sins, then we have the ongoing work of dealing with venial sins and our attachments to sin. Attachments to sin are those desires to sin even if we don’t follow through on the evil act. It’s wishing you could get away with it. St. Francis de Sales likens attachment to sin as the Israelites in the desert who sometimes longed for the life of Egypt (especially the melons and “flesh pots”, that is, decent food) even though it was the place of their slavery. Those attachments, even if they don’t spawn sin, keep us back spiritually. Those things though seemingly small, keep us from being totally attached to Jesus and His beautiful will.
Noise is another obvious obstacle. We live in a world of noise. Often when we come to discern we are already immersed in noise: habits of watching a lot of television, idle conversations with others, video or computer games, listening to music all the time, etc. Rarely do we have silence (exterior or interior) in our day. In fact when we are silent we can start to get fidgety or even begin to freak out. St. Ignatius of Loyola, the spiritual master of discernment, said “It’s true that the voice of God, having once fully penetrated the heart, becomes strong as the tempest and loud as the thunder, but before reaching the heart it is as weak as a light breath which scarcely agitates the air. It shrinks from noise, and is silent amid agitation.” Therefore, if you want to know your vocation, begin to develop habits of silence. The first way to develop silence is to limit our time on television, video and computer games, the Internet, and using music as incessant background noise. I think a good rule of thumb is that one should not spend more than two hours a day total on those activities. The only way to do this is TURN IT OFF. Those things are not evil in themselves, but without using them with the virtue of moderation, they create spiritual static in our hearts and dull our spiritual sensitivity. The second way to develop silence is to develop habits of quiet prayer, reading (especially the works of our spiritual tradition), and just thinking and pondering.
Step 5: Cooperate with Him in clearing away obstacles to free you to say "yes"
Step three dealt with beginning to attune ourselves to His Voice. But even after we know of His love and choice for us, and have begun to attune ourselves to His Voice, we may soon realize that we are not completely free to give ourselves to Him. Read more here...
Perhaps there are things inside us that make us hesitate or even pull away from His call. So as we consider His love and choice for us, we must also consider, “Am I free to say ‘Yes’ to Him?” What keeps us from giving our entire selves over in love to Him?
Past hurts can be complicated and complicating in the discernment process. Sometimes our sins are not the problem, but the sins of someone else who has hurt us. Past hurts can impair our ability to trust, and saying “Yes” to Jesus requires a lot of trust. These past hurts can take the form of some sort of abuse, the neglect or absence of a father or mother, rejection by a girlfriend, etc. It can be a rough out there in the brutal world. Past hurts not only hurt our ability to trust, but they can also interfere with one’s ability to receive love and to give love in return. Past hurts have a way of creating an environment of anger and fear in one’s life. Past hurts can be difficult to forgive, and any lack of forgiveness prevents us from giving ourselves over completely to Jesus. We may find forgiveness difficult because we haven’t yet dealt with the just anger we have about it. The good news is that Jesus is conqueror of sin and death, and longs to heal anyone who has been hurt so that they can receive His love and give love in return. It doesn’t matter what has happened, Jesus declares loudly to us in Revelation: “Behold, I make all things new” (Rev. 21:5).
Practically a few things can be done. First, have confidence in Jesus who comes to free you and make things new in your life. I would suggest finding a priest you can trust and open up the pain to him. Just talking through it privately with someone trustworthy can bring an enormous amount of healing, and he can pray with you and offer counsel. I often suggest that the person make a list of people with whom he has “unfinished business” and then write a letter to that person, which of course they won’t send. The letter will contain what that person did and the bad impact it had on his life. This exercise helps to get the hurt and the anger out so that Jesus’ love and forgiveness can be poured in, thereby making the heart more liberated to forgive and to say “Yes” to Jesus. Sharing such letters with that trustworthy priest can bring even more healing.
Fear also inhibits our complete gift of self to Jesus in love. The fear I’m talking about is not the awe and wonder of holy fear, but rather a crippling fear. Crippling fear is never from God, but rather from the devil, and we are asked to resist it and allow Jesus to cast it out of us. A person cannot discern in fear. The fears can be varied and many: “I hear Him knocking at the door of my heart, and I’m scared to say ‘Yes’ to Him.” “I’m afraid to move away from home and my family.” “Will I be happy as a priest?” “I’ve done too many terrible things to be a priest.” “My parents want grandchildren and they won’t have any if I become a priest.” “What will be left of me if I give myself totally over to Him?” “My friends think I’m crazy for thinking about it.”
Jesus says over and over again, “Be not afraid!” Our late Holy Father, John Paul the Great echoed this line frequently, and Pope Benedict has continued it, because it is so needed. We live in a world of fear. St. John tells us, “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear” (1Jn. 4:18). Jesus casts out fear; He can put fears to rest. He can do this when together with Him we face them with courage and bring them to prayer. I would suggest sitting before the Blessed Sacrament and simply list the fears on a piece of paper. Then go over that list with Him in prayer and ask Him conquer them in you. I would also suggest discussing these fears with a confessor or spiritual director.
Dealing with sin, past hurts and fear will free us and purify our love for Him so that His Voice can begin to resonate deep within our hearts. It will help to clear stuff away to that we can begin to see our radiant, risen Lord Jesus with our vocation in His hands. When we hear His voice and fill our eyes with His presence before us, we will be in a position to say, “Yes, Lord Jesus. I say ‘Yes’. Be it done unto me according to Your will. Yes Lord, send me.”
Step 6: Give yourself entirely to Christ in Love - Be Holy!
The next step than is to respond to that love with all that we are. We seek to give ourselves entirely to Jesus. Receiving His love and striving to get ourselves back to Him in love is called a “personal relationship” with Jesus. Read more here...
In order to understand the meaning of your life and what you are supposed to do with your life requires a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Another way of putting it is to ask yourself, “Do I know Jesus, or do I only know about Him?” It is in this relationship with Him as Lord as Redeemer and as His intimate friend where we can hear his call to us. Many have found that reading My Other Self and I Believe in Love (see “Reading” page) really helped them to understand and develop that personal relationship.
Loving Jesus means to strive after holiness. Holiness is our first vocation which was given to us at Baptism. Holiness means to live the life of God here and now. Within this call to holiness emerges the more specific call of the state of life in the Church: marriage, priesthood, or religious/consecrated life. The life of holiness involves prayer (contemplating God) and virtue (living God’s life) and asceticism (opening up oneself to God’s life).
The Sacraments give us sanctifying grace. This is God’s own power and life at work within us. The Sacraments communicate God’s own life to our souls. In discernment we focus especially on the Sacraments we can receive more than once: Confession and Holy Communion. It is vitally important during discernment that one receives Holy Communion as often as possible. Daily communion is ideal. Confession, as mentioned above, is essential and needs to be more than once a month. It can be especially helpful to go to confession to the same priest so that he gets to know your soul and can offer more specific advice.
Prayer is our vital, daily and intimate contact with the Lord. It entails the lifting of our hearts and minds to Him who is with us throughout the day. Prayer is more about listening than speaking to Him, but it involves both. A man must be praying if he wants to know his vocation. An entire page on this website is devoted to developing a habit and daily routine of prayer. Only committed, daily prayer which would include Mass, Confession, the Rosary and Scriptural meditation leads to one’s vocation. Much can be learned about prayer in the Catechism, and please feel free to look at the other prayer hints on this website. Examples of prayer are Eucharistic Adoration, Lectio divina with Holy Scripture, the Rosary, the Chaplet of Divine Mercy, etc. But the most important thing about prayer is to JUST DO IT.
A personal relationship is built upon personal prayer. Therefore you must make time in your day to be with Him exclusively and not just when it is convenient. We make time for friends and important people, and there was no one else who is a better friend or more important person in your life than Jesus Christ. So these other links on this page will explain further how to develop a routine of prayer on how important the sacraments are and living the virtues live in a moral life.
Virtue is a habit of doing good. It comes from the Latin word vir meaning “man” and is also used to convey “manliness” or “power”. Virtue is a habit, that is, a virtue is not something we do now and again, but it is something that we do regularly, even without thinking about it. Part of the life of virtue is that we strive to live according to His commandments, and to develop habits that will help us keep His commandments. Jesus said, “If you love me, keep my commandments.”
You can find out more on Sacraments, Prayer and Virtue in the Catechism of the Catholic Church.
ASCETICISM (“MAKING SACRIFICES”)
Asceticism helps to open up our human nature to receive the Lord’s life. Asceticism also sharpens our spiritual senses. To love means to give yourself and giving ourselves in love involves sacrifice. When two people love each other they do things for each other and make sacrifices for one another. Sacrifices are not made just for the sake of “giving up” things, but are gifts given out of love. In its most basic sense asceticism means to thwart one’s own will in order to embrace the Lord’s will. Asceticism means curbing our earthly desires (pleasure, things, my own way, etc.) in order to open up our spiritual desires (prayer, good works, etc.). The most important sacrifice to offer the Lord is the sacrifice of one’s will of doing good when we don't feel like doing good. This type of sacrifice can take the form of doing one’s chores around the house with a smile, taking on an extra chore, or helping a brother with his homework. The sacrifice can mean letting a brother or sister have his or her way or allowing him or her to play with or use one of your possessions.
Every time we resist temptation and avoid sin we are practicing asceticism. Resisting temptation can be quite painful, yet offering that suffering to the Lord with love is very pleasing to Him. Always remember, the more hidden the asceticism is, the more effective it is. A good way to begin practicing asceticism is unplugging from all the noise mentioned above and limiting one’s time with TV or computer games. It is important to remember that asceticism is not an end in itself. Asceticism is only good insofar as it opens us up to love and leads us to be more loving to Jesus and our neighbor. It’s also important to remember that we don’t do ascetical works to earn Jesus’ love or grace, we do it to accept more deeply His love and grace that He already offers. Asceticism will help to sharpen our sensitivity to Him and His Voice.
Step 7: Begin to distinguish the "Four Voices" of discernment
In the process of discernment we can become aware of four voices,and learning to distinguish them from one another helps tremendously in discernment. Read more here...
The four voices are the Lord’s, our own, the world’s, and the devil’s. By attuning ourselves to the Lord’s we can begin to tell these other voices from each other, which is why steps 1-5 are important. Those steps attune us to the Voice of the Lord. It is not always easy to tell these voices apart from one another, therefore discernment requires time, patience, struggle and perseverance. Confusion, frustration and sometimes even outright rebellion can be part of the discernment process. Nevertheless Jesus tells us, “Be not afraid. I am here.” His love can conquer everything, and if we open ourselves to the power of His grace, we will come to find our vocation. Jesus’ desire to tell us is infinitely greater than our desire to know. We only need confidence in Him.
THE VOICE OF THE LORD
The Lord’s Voice is that which is communicating His constant and unfailing love to us. We hear His Voice in His Divine Revelation, both in Holy Scripture and in Holy Tradition, and in the Magisterium of His Church. We hear His Voice urging us to do good in our actions, to trust in Him, to sacrifice out of love. Discouragement and confusion are never the Voice of Jesus even when we sin. His voice always communicates confidence and hope in Him. His Voice is always saying, “I love you no matter what.” His Voice is also challenging because He is always calling us to a deeper conversion to Him.
With regard to your vocation, you can be sure that He is calling you, as a man, to the vocation of marriage, the priesthood or consecrated life (religious life or consecrated virginity in the world). His Voice is never deceptive, nor does He play games. Therefore, you can be confident that to whichever vocation He calls you, He will also give you the graces to accomplish it and the desire to do it. Sometimes we are tempted to think that Jesus will call us to a life that we do not want or cannot accomplish. This is not the Voice of Jesus. Within His call lies all the graces and desires to live that vocation.
THE VOICE OF ONESELF
Our own voice is expressed in the deep down desires of our heart. Part of growing up is becoming aware of who we are and what are the deep desires of our heart. Hopefully as a young man you have a desire to be heroic, a desire to change the world, a desire to love and serve the Lord Jesus with all that you are. However, it is not always so easy. Sometimes our deepest desires are in conflict. Our own sinfulness, that part of ourselves that is still under the dominion of satan can clamor loudly. Sometimes our voice is in conflict with the Voice of the Lord. Sometimes the conflict can lie in choosing between two good things: “I want to be a priest, and I want to be married.” Our voice always stands in need of more conversion.
Your truest self are those desires which have been placed there by Jesus and are in harmony with the desires that Jesus has for you. One way to become attune to your own voice is to become aware of what you think about when your mind is free. When you have a moment to yourself, what do you think about? Is there something that comes to mind often or even constantly? That is a beginning indication of your own voice. After becoming aware of what you think about during the day, ask Jesus and yourself, “Why do I think about those things? What is the motivation behind those things?”
THE VOICE OF THE WORLD
The voice of the world is a voice that is under the dominion of the devil, and thus could be considered an extension of the voice of satan. The voice of the world calls us to put our trust in the things of this world: prestige, money, fame, relationships, to be a famous rock star, to become important, to get a big house, expensive car, money-making career. It is the voice we hear in advertising, on TV shows, and in much of the music on the radio. The “noise” that is mentioned above is part of the voice of the world. This voice tempts us to forget about Heaven, our salvation and the Lord’s call in our life. It tries to drown out the Voice of Jesus and His love.
THE VOICE OF THE DEVIL
The voice of the devil is that voice that is always trying to lead us away from Jesus and to remain slave to him. His voice always tells us to doubt the Lord’s goodness and not to trust in Him. It is the voice that says that “I know better than He does.” It is the voice that tells us to say “No” to Jesus. The most obvious example of the voice of the devil is the temptation to sin, but he can be very cunning, and as St. Paul says can appear as an angel of light. If the devil cannot get us to listen to sin, he then will try to get us to choose something good, but which is not the good that Jesus wants for us. In other words, the devil’s voice can try to make us choose a lesser good over the greater good that Jesus has for us. Always remember that the devil is a liar and a murderer and can be very cunning. In the discernment process it can be confusing to figure out whose voice is whose. Sometimes there is so much confusion in the heart because we have not yet been able to distinguish the Lord’s voice from one’s own or the devil’s.
Great progress is made in finding your vocation when you can begin to distinguish these four voices with regard to the vocational choice. By turning away from and ruling out the voices of the world and the devil, greater clarity and less confusion are gained. One is ready to make the free choice of the specific vocation when the Voice of the Lord sounds the one vocation and your own voice echoes the same vocation.
I would say that for the most part, we cannot distinguish these voices very well without the help of a spiritual director. You may find that a regular confessor (going to the same priest every time you make your confession) can also help you distinguish the voices. A spiritual director is one (usually a priest) who is familiar with the spiritual life and who also leads a life of conversion and prayer in his vocation. By finding a spiritual director and meeting regularly with him, you can go a long way in recognizing and distinguishing the four voices so that you can choose whatever the Lord’s Voice is saying to you.
Step 8: Making a choice
Proper discernment leads us to hear and understand which vocation the Lord Jesus would like us to choose for His greater glory and the salvation of our soul and the souls of others. Read more here...
At some point the discernment about your vocation is supposed to end, and you are asked by Jesus to make a life long choice for a state of life. This is the natural progression of discernment. The saints, and all those seeking to follow Christ, have been doing this for millennia. You and I are not the first Christians to have to make a life-long choice.
Facing such a choice can make us afraid, especially when we live in times where people are scared about making a life-long commitment. This can be especially difficult if you come from a family broken by divorce or filled with dysfunction or resentment. There are many examples around us of people breaking their life-long commitments or being unfaithful to them. However, we should look not to the broken examples but rather to the saints – they are our model for how to live well in this life. To commit ourselves entirely to Jesus necessarily involves a life-long commitment. Love commits itself; true love cannot give itself only temporarily, or half-heartedly. It wants to commit itself. It longs to unite the lover with the beloved. We may avoid making such a choice, but the choice not to commit is a choice not to love.
It may seem obvious but we aren't supposed to remain in a state of perpetual discernment of our vocation. Of course we are always discerning the will of God in our daily lives, but the choice for our state of life in the Church should come to an end. In making a choice we move from discerning our vocation to preparing for our vocation. The choice brings the discernment to an end, and with that comes a new found freedom to begin living with clarity and hope. There is no other way to serve the Lord than by stepping out in courage and proper discernment, and by making a definitive choice for your life. We become holy and happy through commitment.
THE THREE FUNDAMENTAL STATES OF LIFE IN THE CHURCH
All the states of life in the Church are based upon marriage and involve entering into some sort of spousal relationship. Why is this? Because the Church is the Body and Bride of Christ and we are in relationship with Christ through the Church. If the fundamental relationship of Jesus with the Church is a nuptial one, then all the states of life within the Church are fundamentally nuptial.
Jesus wedded the Church to Himself on the Cross, and so at the center of every state of life in the Church is the Cross. It is important to keep this truth in mind. Every vocation will involve the Cross and so there will be times when living our vocation is difficult and requires sacrifice. But the suffering of the Cross always leads to the glory of the Resurrection. We have to die to ourselves to be alive in Christ.
Every state of life is an image of the nuptial union of Christ and His Church (marriage) or points to the eschatological fulfillment of this relationship (priesthood and religious life). In other words, some men and women who would normally enter into the vocation to marriage are called by Jesus to prefigure its final consummation in Heaven where men and women are no longer given in marriage (Lk 20:35).
Marriage is the "natural vocation", the original vocation that was not lost in the Fall. The Lord Jesus elevated this natural and noble vocation to the level of a Sacrament, and the well being of the Church depends upon good and holy marriages. Out of this vocation comes the domestic church and the family as the basic building block of human society. Marriage can be thought of as the "default vocation" in that one does not need an explicit call from God to enter in the state of Holy Matrimony. In fact, without an explicit call to the priesthood or some form of consecrated life in the course of discernment, you can assume that you are being called to the married state.
Holy Matrimony is an image of the nuptial relationship between Christ and the Church. It is a relationship between one man and one woman that is 1) exclusive, 2) life long and 3) open to children. The vocation is intended for the union of spouses, the begetting and rearing of children, the sanctification of spouses and children, and to be salt and light in the secular world.
The priest is a man who is called by Jesus to share in His spousal relationship with the Church, to be conformed in persona Christi capitis ecclesiae (the person of Christ, Head of the Church). The priest is a real man who is made into a husband to the Church and spiritual father to all. Through the grace of Holy Orders, a man is ontologically changed, that is, he is changed on the level of his being to be in the person of Christ. He exercises this spiritual fatherhood following that of Jesus as prophet, priest and king, that is, teaching/preaching, sanctifying and shepherding. The priest is a man, spiritual husband and spiritual father. The priest does things like teaching and preaching the Word of God, sanctifying the people through the Sacraments, especially Holy Mass and Confession, and he leads the people who are entrusted to him to the life of Heaven.
It is important to note that the priest is not “single” nor did his vocational discernment lead him away from marriage but rather leads him to share in Jesus spousal relationship with the Church.
Consecrated life involves taking the three evangelical vows of poverty, chastity and obedience. These evangelical counsels imitate Christ’s life on earth and prefigure our final state in Heaven. In this way religious life shares in the nuptial banquet of the Lamb.
There are many ways of living the consecrated life, in a community or as a solitary. Consecrated life also can be more contemplative or more active. More contemplative communities would be the Benedictines, Carthusians, Trappists or Carmelites. More active communities would be the Dominicans, Francisicans, or Jesuits. Consecrated life that is more solitary would be a hermit, a consecrated virgin and sometimes as a member of a secular institute. Each type of consecrated life involves the living of the evangelical counsels according to the particular charism of the founder who is often a saint.
A WORD ABOUT THE "SINGLE LIFE"...
Sometimes in vocation circles we hear of a vocation to the "single life". However, we should understand this in the correct sense. Jesus always calls His followers into a permanent state of life which involves the taking of promises or vows. With this understanding, the single life would mean some sort of consecrated life in the world. If a person is "single" it is because he or she has made vows, either public or private, of consecration to the Lord.
By following these steps, you will be able to go a long way in making progress on discerning and choosing your vocation. The important thing is to keep at it and not give up on any of the steps, and to have patience with the process. Keep giving it over to the Lord and it will happen. I also suggest that you begin to pray one “Hail Mary” each day to Our Lady asking her to help you discover and say “Yes” to your vocation. It’s a small prayer, but I’ve found it to be very powerful.
Based on the Basic Discernment Guide by Monsignor John Cihak & Father Derek Lappe